My first boy

Looks like maybe Ryan had us all fooled. He seems fine today. So, I am going to relax a little!

I have been thinking alot lately about how having my first child with such a handicap has affected my way of parenting. My first experiences as a mother were filled with hospitalizations,fear, sadness, stress, heartache and disappointment. I often wonder how different my perspective would be if Ryan had come 2nd or 3rd in our family. Would I have had a more balanced view? Would I not be SO extremely careful with my other two kids, worrying about every little germ or every little milestone they reached or didn't reach quite on time?? On the other hand, maybe I wouldn't have appreciated all the things they are able to do quite as much if I hadn't had Ryan first. I find myself thanking God for even the smallest of accomplishments. Whether it is the ability to dress themselves, brush their own teeth, get in and out of the bathtub on their own, or even the ability to help me out with laundry or cleaning! Steve and I sometimes joke that we currently have 2 boys that wear diapers and won't it be nice when we only have 1 that still requires a diaper at night? Of course, Ryan is potty trained. But, since he is unable to get up at night, he still requires the use of a diaper. In addition, he is fed through his Gtube at night making his tummy and bladder that much more full! I often wonder why God allowed this special child into our lives and I still struggle with this disease; SMA. It's painful to see your child miss out on so much, to see his peers shy away from him at school unsure of how to relate to him, or just how much physical pain he has had to endure. I sometimes want to pinch myself and wake up from the nightmare that is SMA. But, I know that God works ALL things together for good. And I know He has a purpose for Ryan's life. Meanwhile, I will cherish everyday we have with our special boy and being that much more thankful for every little thing my other two kids are able to do!